So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
