One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize