just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
