handjob tips. give me some.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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