i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
