There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
