I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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