I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
