Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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