Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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