The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
