Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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