I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
