I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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