This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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