Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
