Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
