I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
