Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
