My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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