Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
