You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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