1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just found a bag of teeth...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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