I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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