You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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