If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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