seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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