Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
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