I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
why do cheetos always look like penises
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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