you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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