I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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