if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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