i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
