Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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