I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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