if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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