Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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