I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
