I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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