mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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