I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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