Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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