she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
