Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
