Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
