TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
