I'm going to jail i love you
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
