Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
