I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
