before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
