My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
