idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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