i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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