What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
