I accidentally had phone sex last night
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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