Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize