i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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